March 2018

Dear future babies,

Sorry it’s been a while but I’m back and we have a plan!

A few weeks ago I spoke to our clinic and finally got our schedule for our frozen embryo transfer (FET). It still feels a long way off but I’m really excited at the possibility of bringing you home.

We are now officially in our FET cycle, I started down regulation injections again on 24th March and then in about a month we’ll be throwing estrogen tablets into the mix. This will be my first time taking these tablets so we’ll see what they bring. After a two weeks of tablets we’ll go in to check that everything looks ready and a week later we plan to transfer one of our frozen embryos on Friday 11th May.

It will be exactly 5 months since our first transfer (11th December), I hope that’s a good omen. It feels like we’ve been waiting forever and that we still have a long way to go but I hope it will go quick with all the things we have planned in April and May.

I’d like to be off work this time around so I can be as stress free as possible and have provisionally told work that I’ll be signed off for 2 weeks. I can always change my mind if being at home alone doesn’t work but I don’t like the thought of being at work if I have bleeding again this time round.

That’s my only concern about the whole cycle, trying to prevent the bleeding that happened last time at 5dp5dt. The consultant at our follow up said we could either have injections or pessaries this time round, however when I mentioned injections to the nurse she told me the NHS wouldn’t cover the cost as they were too expensive, so we are going to go with the pessaries this time. I know plenty of women who have used them and they seem to work well so here’s hoping they do the trick.

I spoke to the embryologist and she is planning to thaw our 5AA emrbryo. She said it was beautiful. I’ve always have a really good feeling about this embryo and I’m holding onto the thought that it could be you. I have so much hope for this cycle, I’m not sure how I will cope if it’s another negative or a chemical pregnancy, I’m not sure which is worse to be honest.

Whenever anyone at the clinic has talked about our 5AA they tell us it’s perfect so it’s hard not to get our hopes up.  They say a frozen cycle is a lot easier on you physically, I’m trying really hard to get back into my healthy habits and lose the stone I’ve put on over Christmas (and beyond). It’s hard but I want to do this for you and give you the best chance I can.

A lot of my favourite girls in the community have had their positives recently. It gives me so much hope and I couldn’t be more happy for them. Every single one of them deserves their happily ever after. I do worry that I’ll be left behind and that we might drift apart as they move on to the next phase of their journey.

I also worry about getting our positive. Although it’s all I want and it should be the happiest day of our lives, I am not naive enough to believe the anxiety, fear and scars of infertility will go away. In fact in someways I think it gets worse, right now I have hope but once you get those two pink lines, I imagine the worry just becomes overwhelming, especially if you’ve experienced any kind of loss.

I still find it hard thinking about what could have been. One of the ladies from Instagram had her transfer on the same day as me and she’s now 15 weeks pregnant. I don’t begrudge her in anyway and I’m delighted she finally got her miracle baby, however the reminders of each milestone we could have been celebrating can sometimes stop me in my tracks. I also mourn the loss of the person that embryo could have become. Although technically only a ball of cells at that point, I wonder what they would have looked like and if it would have been a girl or a boy. Just as I think those things about our other 3 beautiful frozen babies.

This cycle I will try to write a little more, but I can’t make any promises. I desperately want it to work, especially as this is our last NHS funded round.  I don’t want to have to spend thousands of pounds on more cycles, I would rather be spending it on you, using it pay for your pram and your nursery furniture.

When the drugs got delivered a few weeks ago I had a bit of a meltdown, your dad and I had been bickering a lot and I just felt overwhelmed looking at all the drugs and the prospect of doing it all again. It was then that it clicked and I realised that a frozen transfer is so different to a fresh cycle. With our fresh cycle, I knew even if our first transfer wasn’t meant to be, we were working towards a bigger goal of creating as many embryos as possible for future cycles and / or future siblings. So although we lost our first embryo the silver lining was 3 beautiful frozen babies. With the frozen transfer looming it’s very much all or nothing, it will only go one of two ways; we get a baby or we don’t. Obviously, I know there can be variations of that, another chemical, a miscarriage etc. but I think I’m finding it hard knowing that all these drugs I’ll be taking for 7 weeks could just be a complete waste of time and that’s a scary thought.

For now, I’m going to focus on being as positive as I can be, I have so much amazing support around me, I know some days will be harder than others but I am happy just to be back on our journey to you and feel like we are making progress once again.

As I finish this post we have 44 days left until transfer when hopefully I’ll be reunited with my special little 5AA frosty and honestly, I can’t bloody wait!

No much longer now, I love you so much my angels.

Love, Mum xx


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