May 2018 – Part 1

Dear future babies,

We are now 3 days away from transfer. I’m feeling a bit numb to be honest, it feels surreal to now be within touching distance when we have technically been in this cycle for over 2 months.

I had my baseline scan on 20th April which all went well, it was a very quick appointment, and our nurse is still training so I didn’t feel like I could ask some of the more complicated questions and concerns I had. I started take Progynova, a little blue tablet, on 22nd April while we were staying in our cottage, I started on 1 tablet and have gradually increased to the 3 tablets I’m on now. We had a monitoring scan last Friday and they were happy with what they say. Lining at 11.9 and no cysts. My thick lining is one of my biggest concerns, the clinic aren’t worried but I can’t help but compare with my last cycle. I’m sure the clinic are right and is has no impact on the outcome, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t worry me. I hate feeling so out of control and that it all could be for nothing anyway.

Our week away was lovely, it rained a lot but we went on some lovely walks, we enjoyed some quality time together and time away from the day to day monotony that life brings.  Having other plans to focus on has also proved a great distraction and has really helped the last few weeks before transfer go by quickly.

On Sunday I did my last injection for this cycle and started cyclogest for the first time, affectionately known as ‘bum bullets’. So far I haven’t really noticed any side effects but I am sure they will be here in full force before long. I didn’t have these in my last cycle so I am really hoping they will work for me.

Last week was a little more eventful than I was hoping for. I was involved in a car accident, in my beautiful brand new car. Of course, the main thing is I was OK, I had some aches and pains which the nurse put down to whiplash, but my car had to be towed away. A lady must not have been concentrating on the road and went into the back of me. I was shaken up but I was just glad it was before transfer and not after. I wouldn’t have wanted the stress of everything to have impacted our little embryo. It’s all in the hands of the insurers now but it’s something I really could have done without.

So at the moment I am just counting down the last few days at work until transfer day. It was a bank holiday this weekend and transfer is Friday 11th May so I’m only in for 3 days. It’s been glorious sunshine and around 27C so everyone has been out enjoying that and it just puts everyone in a good mood and I’ve been trying to top up my vitamin D where I can.

I weighed myself when we got back from holiday, I’ve put on 2 stone back on since we started treatment. I feel so ashamed of myself and just annoyed that I’ve let that happen. I’ve definitely been eating my emotions and I find healthy eating is in the mind as much as anything. I think my diet is something that always gets pushed to the back burner when I have other things going on. I worry that I’ve sabotaged myself and our chances for this embryo. I’m going to try and eat better ready to welcome our embryo home. It’s a bit of a vicious circle really, I’m disappointed and upset and angry at myself for letting the weight creep back up but to comfort myself I just eat more.

I’m planning to take next week off work, I don’t want any stress especially if I have bleeding like the last time. I’ve planned a few things to look forward to and I find it hard to concentrate at work with everything going around in my head. Hopefully time won’t go too slowly.

Our official test day is 22nd May, I don’t know if we will test early this time or not. I’m so scared of seeing a negative, I’m not sure how I’ll cope. To be honest even if it’s a positive the worry won’t stop, it’ll just be a new different worry.

I will try and write again during the two week wait, in the meantime I’m holding on to hope that 11th May 2018 marks the start of a very special story.

Love, Mum xx


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