June 2018

Dear future babies,

I hate that I have to write this but unfortunately our little Mojo was not the one. The last few weeks have been hard and I’m only now feeling strong enough to write it all out.

On Sunday 20th May I met up with some of the Instagram girls for brunch, it was really lovely and helped take my mind of everything. I was 9 days past transfer, and I felt like I wanted to test that night, knowing that it should show if it was going to be positive. Dad was working, and I knew that I’d have to hold my wee for around 4 hours, so when he came home I was already bursting for a wee but I’d only held it 2 hours. We pottered around for a bit, went to water next doors garden, and I sat doing some of my puzzle. I actually cried before I’d even tested because part of me didn’t even want to know, I was too scared of seeing a negative but the anxiety that would come with seeing a positive was just as bad.

At about 8pm I went for a wee and decided to do it, I was shaking as I held the test in the cup. I put it down flat and watched the little window. I watched for what seemed like ages but in fact was just a few seconds, you are supposed to wait 3 minutes but that would have felt like a lifetime. I thought I could see the tiniest shadow of a line but I didn’t say anything to your dad in case I was imagining it, but I could see it getting darker so I stuttered, ‘I think there’s a line, look’, your dad looked and even as we were looking at it, it was getting darker and darker. I was in complete shock and broke down crying, your dad cried some happy tears too. I couldn’t stop staring at the test and crying more. Within a few minutes it had become a very strong line which was a really good indication that my hormone levels were high already. Your dad told me he had a present for me, he’d told me a few times but I didn’t want it because I knew it would upset me. Once I saw the test I asked if I could have the present now. It was a tiny little vest that said; ‘Made with lots of love and a little science’. It was so cute and just made me cry more. The next thing I did was send a photo to Jade who called me straight away and we both just cried down the phone. The fear hit me almost immediately, what if the worst happens, how will I be able to get through the next few weeks waiting for a scan. It was such a different range of emotions to our last transfer. I couldn’t stop staring at the test, I carried it around with me for the rest of the night and slept with it under my pillow so if I woke up I could check it wasn’t a dream.

The next morning when I woke up, I went to the loo and thought I saw some brown/pink when I wiped, I thought it was just my imagination and bleary eyes. When I did it again a few minutes later it was still there and a bit heavier. I immediately panicked. As much as I know spotting and a little bleeding can be normal, this is how it started the last time and I felt sick with worry. I called the clinic once they opened at 8am and I couldn’t even get out my name before I burst into tears, the nurse was lovely and reassuring but there wasn’t anything they could do to help, they said I could double my progesterone suppositories which I did so I felt like at least I was being pro-active. I took it easy for the rest of the day and although I was worrying, lots of people were reassuring me that it was normal and nothing to worry about. By that evening it hadn’t got any worse. I did another test which looked a little darker as well as a clear blue digital which read 2-3 weeks, so I felt a little more reassured.

The following day was 11 days past transfer and our official test day, I had to go to Salisbury for my blood test so got down there for 8am. I had to wait until 11am for the call from the nurse to say my blood test was positive with a strong Beta of 518. I felt relieved but still worried as I was still spotting. Because of what happened last time and the spotting they agreed that I could come in and do a second blood test 2 days later, on the Thursday, to check the levels were going up. Again, I didn’t do much for the rest of the day just rested and tried to stay positive. I couldn’t help but feel a little excited and started thinking about how we would tell our families and what our due date would be. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, it felt weird having a little secret that no one else knew.

The next day was the day it all turned around, from midmorning the bleeding and cramps really ramped up, I felt like I cried all day, I ended up taking myself off to bed for a few hours hoping I could sleep through it. When I called the clinic, they didn’t seem very hopeful which just made it worse. Once I woke up I spent the rest of the time on google seeing if anyone had experienced this and still got a baby by the end of it. Some people did, but my gut was telling me it was all over.

I was up and at the clinic early again on the Thursday. Our wedding anniversary was the following day and I was so hoping that we’d have something to celebrate. On the night we got our positive I ordered a ‘Daddy’ mug and expectant dad book to give to your dad. I got the call even earlier than normal, the nurse said ‘I’m sorry, it hasn’t doubled, it’s halved’ I burst into tears, how could it all be over already. I think I felt every emotion after that, disbelief, devastation, anger but also relief that it wouldn’t be dragged out. The fact that beta had already halved indicated that, and I had an answer. My fear that I was going to have weeks of uncertainty. I just couldn’t believe this had happened again. It was so much harder this time, partly because it felt like history was repeating itself but because this time we allowed that tiny glimmer of hope.

I don’t know what we are going to do going forward, naturally I just want answers that I don’t know exist. I’ve been doing a lot of research into what might be causing this, it could be something or it could just be bad luck. I feel lucky to have my remaining two embryos, but I’m also terrified to use them in case we lose them too. All I know is we will never have any excitement seeing a positive test ever again. I hate that infertility has robbed us of that joy. Instead it’s been replaced with fear and anxiety. We’ve been considering looking at changing clinics, but realistically we need to wait for our follow up appointment in July before we make any decisions. They have asked me to go in for some blood tests in the next month, which they offer after two miscarriages. I’m hoping it will show something that is easily treated and would explain the problem, but I know that’s wishful thinking. It may be that we stay where we are and transfer the last two embryos then do a whole fresh cycle again somewhere new.

It’s been hard to get back to normal this time, I’d been off work for over 2 weeks and people were asking me if I’d had a nice holiday when I went back. Everything just feels flat now. Even little things like I’ll now have to work over Christmas, if this cycle had worked I’d be going on maternity leave. Girls who had their transfers around the same time as me, are now pregnant and as much as I’m over the moon for them, it makes me ask ‘why not me?’.

The hardest part as always, was telling family and friends it hadn’t worked. I long to tell them good news but to have to tell them it not only failed but how close we were to it working kills me. Even online is hard, I posted an update on Instagram whilst people were still congratulating me on my positive. It feels like it was given with one hand and taken away with the other.

Anyway, as one of my affirmation cards said on our anniversary, ‘It may not be now, but it will be’. I truly believe that. I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me when it will be but for now we are going to take an enforced break and focus on our appointment next month. We are planning a few holidays to give us something to look forward and I think it is well deserved.

I really hope that one of our last two embryos (or both) are our babies, I love you so much and hope that we will look back on this time and realise it had to happen and it all lead us to you.

Love, Mum xx

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