Infertility · IVF · TTC

29th August 2018

Dear future babies,

Today would have been our first embryo’s due date. It’s hard to know how I feel, it’s such a strange feeling knowing that if Noel had stuck around we would have either already met him or be patiently waiting for his (or her) imminent arrival.

I thought I would feel a lot sadder than I do today, maybe it’s because I’ve been at work so I’ve been distracted, maybe it’s because there’s a certain sadness I carry with me every day so today is not really any different.

I had a cry at the weekend, looking at photos of your dad that Auntie Sam had posted for his birthday. Looking at them made me so emotional thinking about what you’d be like if we had a little boy, what he’d look like. I imagine him to look just like your dad but with curly hair.

It was also a year today since our first visit to the fertility centre. I remember the anticipation and excitement like it was yesterday. It’s crazy to think what’s happened in a year, yet we are not really much closer. I will always have happy memories of that day, the first day of our IVF adventure. It’s poignant to think it could have become our first embryo’s birthday which would have been so fitting.

I feel a bit stuck at the moment, I think if our second cycle had worked it would be easier to get through these milestones knowing our baby was coming. We went away for Dad’s birthday last week, we stayed in a tree house and it was amazing but I’ve come back feeling exhausted like we didn’t even have a break. We are leaving for our holiday to Corfu next Friday so I hope that will be the proper break we need to recharge.

We’ve finally booked in our biopsy at Warwick hospital for the Natural Killer test. I got stressed out last cycle waiting to be able to call the clinic and go ahead. This month I felt a lot calmer and not to worried if it happened or not before our holiday however I am glad it did. We had a scan and blood test last week back at the clinic and got to have a brief chat with one of the other consultants who we are seeing next month. I feel positive for talking to her and I hope that after our holiday we will be in the right place to start focusing on our next transfer.

Up until now I’ve not been in a huge rush to jump back in which has surprised me. I think the last cycle took more out of me than I first realised and I’ve needed some time before going again.

As always, my weight is playing on my mind. I’ve put on so much since our appointment this time last year, I feel terrible and I know it needs to change yet I’m struggling to find the willpower. Hopefully once we come back from holiday and we have a plan in place and be a bit more focused. I would hate for this to hold us back once again.

So I guess all that’s left to say is Happy ‘would-have-been’ Birthday Noel, we’ll light a candle for you tonight. You might have only been a little embryo but you we loved you very much.  There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you and Mojo. I really hope the next embryo we bring home gets a real life birthday next year.

Love always, Mum xx

would have been

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