Dear Future Baby,
For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a mum. I remember spending hours looking through catalogues, making lists of things for the perfect nursery. I spent so much time daydreaming about the perfect family life; holding you in my arms, wondering who you would look like, smiling at the prospect of those toddler tantrums!
Not much has changed, I still do all of these things, only now I do them with caution, often whilst holding back tears. That’s what 8 years of infertility has done to me. I’m scared to believe I will become a mum and yet at the same time my biggest fear is never becoming the person I was meant to be; a mother – your mother and for that reason no matter how hard this journey is, I’ll never stop dreaming of meeting you.
I met your daddy when we were in high school and I just knew he would be the one I would spend my forever with; he’s truly my best friend. We married when we were 20 years old and decided straight away that we would want to start a family in a few years. We naively thought we had lots of time and like so many others, we never considered it wouldn’t be so easy.
We started trying when we were 27, and for the first couple of years, we weren’t too concerned. After more time went on we decided it was best to get checked out and so began lots of tests and appointments. It was determined that I have a very low ovarian reserve. All other tests were fine. Your daddy was very proud to learn he has pretty super sperm!! We decided to start IVF and at this point our heartache went to a new level. Nobody can describe to you the pain you feel when your embryos don’t develop properly. Every hour of each day that passes between calls from the embryologist is agonising. There is always hope, but in some ways that hope makes it worse; each delivery of bad news is like having your dreams smashed right in front of you and you have to scramble to your knees to collect the pieces to rebuild those dreams and keep moving forward.
We’ve had 3 egg retrievals now but sadly no embryos have resulted. We have gone into each cycle with renewed hope that this time it will be different. So here we are, getting ready to start round 4. I hope more than anything that this works. That we get to hold you in our arms. That I get to see my husband as a daddy – he will be the most perfect daddy you could want. He is hard working, kind, generous and has been amazingly strong. He’s always there for me, supporting me through this journey but I know he aches for you too. I long for the day I can make him your dad.
For now though, I promise that I will keep fighting to meet you. I have so many plans for you. So many places and experiences I want to share with you.
One day it will happen. One day I will be complete.
With love, your mummy ️ xxxx