Infertility

Happy Birthday Babies

Dear future babies,

Today marks a year since my egg collection. I’m reminiscing about this day. In some ways it feels like forever ago but in others, it feels like it was yesterday. It was definitely the start of the most exciting but nerve wracking part of our IVF story. We still have 2 embryos left from this collection so I guess you could call today their birthday, Happy birthday embabies, I really hope they become you.

We’ve had a long wait between cycles this time, partly through choice, partly because my body wasn’t playing ball. I’ve had a lot of different tests done to try and work out why the last two embryos haven’t stuck around. It’s been hard knowing they can’t really find a reason. It makes it scary going back into a 3rd cycle not knowing what the outcome will be and if anything will be different.

In my mind the outcome will be one of two things, a positive pregnancy test with no baby or a positive pregnancy with a baby at the end. I don’t think I’m prepared for a negative as all my efforts are going towards not miscarrying again this time. I don’t know how I’ll cope if that’s the case.

This time we are making some changes. We’ve decided, against our clinic’s advice, to have our last two embryos transferred together. There are various reasons for this, but ultimately the main reason being I feel like we have lost faith in our clinic and so by using the last 2 embryos, if this cycle doesn’t work, we have no ties left there and can have a fresh start somewhere new. It also saves a few quid, your dad and I joked that although we’ll save about £2,000 now, if we end up with twins we will be buying double of everything for the rest of our lives! Ideally we would like one perfect, healthy baby, but please know I would also be over the moon if we end up with two of you. It would be tough, but we would make it work.

I’m also having what they call a ‘scratch; before this transfer which I’m hoping will help to make you stick. This time I’ve decided to try a different medication to support me after transfer, this is an injection so this cycle I will be injecting a lot more, hopefully for a long time if you choose to stick around but you will be worth every bruise.

When we first starting planning our 3rd transfer, I was thinking of it more as a formality, a box to tick, and something to get out of the way before moving forward with a new clinic, however over the last few days I have let a flicker of hope in that we might get to meet you in 2019. There will always be a glimmer of excitement no matter how much heartache we go through. I keep having to tell myself there is no reason why this shouldn’t work for us. I just find it so hard imagining it ever will.

Luckily this year we won’t be transferring before Christmas. I don’t think I could go through that pain again. It’s always going to be hard but the timing last year made it even worse. We will be working towards end of January, I’ve always hated new year, the expectations, the resolutions, the guilt of festive overindulgence, the dread of going back to work. This time, I know it will be different, there’ll be something to look forward to and focus on.

My wish is that you are reading this knowing you are one of those last two embryos. I don’t want to have to go through another egg collection, although please know I’ll go through countless surgeries or procedures to get you. I don’t want to have to go to new clinic, I don’t want to have to wait months to start all over again. I want you to be here with us by next Christmas so I can dress you up as an elf and show you all the lights, and if one more wants to join the party, we’ll be ready!!

So for now, wishing you a happy first birthday embabies, it won’t be long until we are back together. I hope I’ll look back on this soon and everything will finally make sense. You are never out of my thoughts, please come soon we are so ready.

With love always,

Mum xx

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