Infertility

Guest Blog – Danielle

Dear Future Babies,

I say babies because I hope with all my heart both me and your Mummy Emma are able to carry one of you.

Currently Mummy Emma is carrying you, our little first born, in her belly. You’re 17 weeks 4 days old and doing so well. Mummies like to listen to your heartbeat at least once a week to make sure you’re ok, you always are, our strong baby.  We both can not wait to meet you. We’ve waited so long to meet you, yearned for you, cried for you and we can’t believe how lucky we are that we’ll actually get to meet and snuggle into you in May.  It makes my heart swell to even think about it.

In so many ways you’ve mended my heart from all of the heartbreak we’ve had trying to make you both.  But in a way half our journey is still to be had because our little second born, the baby I pray I can carry, is still to come to the forefront.  I thought you were going to come along 3 years ago, that’s when we started planning for you both but it seems you want to take a little extra time to come, our little second born. It all started in May of 2015 when we went to my GP to find out what are options were for conception. The GP was a little clueless but luckily referred me to see a gynaecologist to check out if my body was ready to grow and carry you.

I first had tests to check my hormone levels which all looked fine, then an ultrasound which didn’t look so fine.  So I was sent for a more in depth scan (HSG) this showed that my left fallopian tube (the tube that carries the egg to the sperm) was blocked and would mean it’d be difficult for me to get pregnant naturally. So the doctors sent me off for an operation in February 2016 to check why my fallopian tube was blocked and hopefully unblock it to smooth the way for your conception.  They managed to unblock the tube but saw that my right tube was stuck down with adhesions and therefore not able to move feeling like it should.  Again I luckily had a great surgeon and he freed the tube but saw I had many more adhesions in my uterus and that I had Endometriosis.  He told me after the operation that I would therefore never get pregnant naturally and would need IVF.  When we first said that I thought, that’s fine I’d need medical help anyway.  After a few days it sunk in though (after the painkillers wore off I think) and it broke me.  I remember sobbing uncontrollably for hours, wondering if I’d ever be able to make you.  Would IVF ever work for me?  Feeling so scared about what was to come.  Some days I still am, because even though you feel like you’re in touching distance, as hopefully you’re one of 3 embryos that’s are currently on ice. I still don’t know if ever will actually make you and that breaks my heart still.

Whilst your brother or sister is currently chilling in your Mummy Emma’s belly, you’re currently chilling (quite literally!) in a freezer in the Lister Fertility Clinic. I think of you often and it makes me feel so sad that I’ve not been able to bring you to life. I thought I had a few months ago, just after we found out that Mummy Emma was pregnant with your brother or sister, but it seems you weren’t ready to meet us yet or perhaps my body failed you.  If it did, I’m so sorry, I promise I’ll be ready next time.  Or if you weren’t ready yet because you wanted to make a proper entrance without your brother or sister taking all the limelight, I understand that and will gladly give you your time to shine!  I just pray I get the chance to bloom with you and that I can do my very best for you.

But most of all babies with this letter I just want to say how much I love you both (or all!) and let you know how wanted you are.  It’s been one of the hardest processes I’ve ever been through to make you but you are both so worth it.  I look forward to the day I can cuddle you both and tell you in person just how much you mean to me.

Lots of love always,

Your Mummy Danielle xx

Danielle (right) with her wife Emma

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