Infertility

March 2020

Dear future baby

We are officially 3 weeks and 2 days away from your due date. It seems so close but yet so far away.

I feel so anxious that something is going to go wrong in these last few weeks all I want to do is to keep you safe ready to meet you. I’m desperate to see what you look like and if you are a boy or a girl.

The world feels a little bit scary and upside down at the moment. This time will go down in history books and your birth will be a part of it. The prime minister tonight announced that the country will be on lockdown due to a global pandemic, a virus which is making its way around the whole world and can be very dangerous especially to some people who are already poorly or have other health problems.

I started my maternity leave just over a week ago and made lots of plans to meet up with friends to catch up before you arrive, all of those are cancelled. We can only leave the house for essentials like food, medicine, essential work and I’m hoping hospital appointments. So what was going to be a busy few weeks is now going to be very different. It means I can get all the last minute jobs sorted that I want to do and just try to relax and rest before all the fun begins.

I’m grateful for the technology we have to be able to keep in touch with friends and family however I feel very upset that people might not be able to visit you straight away, especially your grandparents and aunties. I feel sad that I’m going to miss out on taking you to baby groups and meeting other mums. It’s not how I imagined my last few weeks of pregnancy and first few weeks of motherhood to be but I have to forget that picture in my head and just know that as long as you are here safe and sound that’s all that matters. Daddy and I can just enjoy you to ourselves and build our own little bubble for you and you won’t even remember any of it.

We have been given a date for your arrival as a planned c section but at the moment I don’t know if that will go ahead yet until I next speak to the consultant. I had a private scan last week to try and easy some of my anxieties, the lady took some 4D photos for me and I could see your face! You have such chubby cheeks and pouty lips, I can’t stop staring at you, I know you will be even more squishy and lovely in real life.

During this whole pregnancy I think I’ve felt quite detached from it all, not allowing myself to believe that you will be a real baby we can bring home. I still have those fears but I do feel more connected in these last few weeks but I know I won’t stop worrying until I hold you for the first time and then I’ll have a whole new list of worries. I don’t feel ready to be a mum, I want you so much but I worry I’ll let you down, that it’ll be too hard, that I won’t cope or I’ll fail you. I know your dad is going to be amazing, he doesn’t know much about babies but he’s so practical and just a rock in times like that. I’m have to remember to not take him for granted, he’s stepped up so much during my pregnancy. I can’t wait to see you two together.

I’m currently lying here feeling you kick, something that causes me no end of worry, I panic if you don’t move enough then I panic when you move too much. They’ve told me from the scans that you will likely be a big baby like your dad and I can feel it, stretch marks, backache and hourly nighttime wake ups for the toilet are the order of the day! Having said that I’m really going to miss being pregnant, I’ll miss my bump, and feeling you wiggling around. I’ve always been so self conscious about my tummy and now I show off my big bump with pride and love to wear tight tops to show it off. I’m scared of what my body will be like after pregnancy but also know that I have to be grateful for doing what I thought it could never do so I will go gentle on myself.

When you’re older I will tell you all about the corona virus and how it turned our world upside down only a few weeks before you were born. I hope we can be back to some normality soon but until then I have to put your and my heath first and protect you as best I can.

I can’t wait to meet you my precious little one, I’m counting down the days until I can kiss those chubby cheeks.

Love always, Mum xxx

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